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How to Be an Elitist Snob in 20 Easy Steps · 13.5.05

Nije o snobizmu ovdje riječ. Sam Bergman, violist Minesottskog orkestra, napisao je ono što ja vječno planiram napisati - genijalan kratki vodič za sve one koji bi htjeli otići na klasični koncert (Sam se obraća publici na koncertu orkestra, ali ne smeta), a ne znaju kako (ili zašto:)).

Obavezno pročitajte čitav tekst, a ja uobičajeno nudim highlightse:

Definicija zanimanja orkestralnog glazbenika:
When people ask me what it's like to play in a symphony orchestra for a living, I generally respond that it's just like everyone else's job, with all the office politics, boring meetings, and meddling middle management, except that the last few hours of the work week take place on stage, in formalwear, with 2,500 people watching to see if you screw up.


O navadnoj smrti klasične glazbe:
As you may have heard, the classical music biz has been going through a bit of a crisis for the last few, um, decades. Entire books have been written declaring that our industry has, in fact, ceased to exist, or is at least in the final convulsing spasms of near-death. The fact that the authors of such cheery tomes are almost invariably self-promoting idiots who wouldn't know a business plan if it walked up and bit 'em in the ass doesn't change the basic perception that classical music is something of a dinosaur. Which, of course, it is. I mean, the whole point of an orchestra’s existence is wrapped up in the fact that we spend a great deal of our time playing music that everyone has heard before. (Of course, this differs from the careers of Tony Bennett and Bruce Springsteen not at all, and nobody's writing books declaring them to be dead.)


Tko sluša klasiku?
In fact, I suspect that a case could be made that the majority of classical music fans begin listening when they get old enough to feel embarrassed at rock concerts, and then decide that some of this Beethoven stuff might not be too bad, and is undeniably less likely to result in a drug arrest or a sprained back.

Consequently, the audiences who show up at our concerts tend to be a rather interesting cross-section of elderly diehards, middle-aged converts, and college music majors, with a sprinkling of squirmy high-school boys who think they're impressing the taffeta-wrapped female specimens next to them with their grasp of high culture.


Slijedi 20 koncertnih zapovijedi. Presjek:

Prije nego što odeš na koncert, pogledaj što je na programu:
If you often find yourself humming Beethoven's 'Ode to Joy' while unloading the dishwasher, you might want to think twice before shelling out a couple hundred bucks for great seats to a world premiere by a composer described in the program book as 'controversial' and 'challenging.'
(...)
And finally, if your favorite classical masterworks are available on albums with names like 'Acoustic Landscapes,' or are frequently heard at weddings, really, save your money for the next Josh Groban concert. Pachelbel's Canon just isn't what we do.


Ovo potpisujem. Bog te blagoslovio, Bergmane:
Reading a review of a concert is not generally a good way to find out if you will like it. Critics tend to be failed musicians, or at the very least, music history majors (which amounts to the same thing,) and frequently harbor some pretty dark views of the whole business.
(...)
It's like deciding whether a Red Sox game is worth your money based on a Yankees' beat writer's recap of yesterday's game.


Ne, na klasični koncert NE morate doći odjeveni kao na pir.
This is not the place for your rustling silk prom gown. Do you see the women on stage wearing elaborate dresses with ruffles and huge shoulders and plunging necklines? No, you do not, and a good general rule of thumb is that you should not be more formally dressed than the people holding the instruments. Because trust me, we are not comfortable, and you should be.


Mobitel je koncertov najveći neprijatelj:
# Turn off your cell phone.
# Now turn it off again.
# We don't care if you're a doctor on call. Go see a damn movie. If you're staying here, the cell phone is off. Not set on vibrate, not set to ring softly. OFF. Thank you.


Čitaj programsku knjižicu, ali...:
Having known many composers, I can pretty much assure you that they are very odd people, and the less you know about them, the more comfortable you will be.

By accepting the program book in the first place, you have entered into an implicit agreement with the orchestra to keep it on your lap. Because, due to an astonishing anomaly of acoustical law, a 32-page program dropped on a floor during a concert makes the same amount of noise as the complete works of Shakespeare dropped off the top of the Empire State Building onto a Chinese gong. You don't want this.


I da, ovo je važno!
And while we're on the subject of questions we hate, do not ask us if this is 'all' we do for a living, or if playing in an orchestra is 'really a full-time job.' Yes, it is. And most of us gave up our childhoods to get it, so we'd appreciate not being trivialized. Thanks.

# 15:06 - 5 comments - Post a Comment

Da znaš da ga bog blagoslovio. Nema se šta dodati!!
ljudi koji ne znaju stišavati mobitele trebali bi platiti kaznu ili nek im se oduzme mobitel.
dobro mi je ovo da većina ljudi počne slušati klasiku kad im postane neugodno i nesigurno ići na rock koncerte. a i ovo članovima orkestra: je li to vaš pravi i jedini posao?
Pošto sam celo detinjstvo spizdila na sviranje violine sviđaju mi se ova uputstva o tome sa koliko poštovanja treba tretirati muzičare iz orkestra :D Ti bi, however, možda mogla da nam napišeš priručnik za pronalaženje interesantnih linkova na NETu? Zaboravih, that's what this blog is all about, zar ne? :D
Ono sa screw it up moram ispričat Dadi --- prepoznat će se.

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